DOWN THE TUBES!!!

I am sure you all know how Senator Ted Stevens (R) Alaska, characterized the internet a few months ago. In case you have forgotten he referred to it as a bunch of tubes. You see the Good Senator is a FRUITCAKE. Hell bent on prostituting Alaska's natural resources to Big Oil, he is the guy who continues to lead the charge to open up the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) to oil drilling. Experts other than Michael Crichton, noted Bush devotee and trusted advisor, claim the amount of oil recovered from the slopes would net no more than about two years of reserve, or less than the Really Big Arab Guys pump in a week. Finally and I am sure you remember, Senator FRUITCAKE is the same nasty little man who almost had an apopolectic fit when the balance of the energy committee had the audacity to suggest that the Big Oil Oligarchs be sworn in before they testified. Because it is rumored he carries a very big stick, he prevailed and the oil moguls were not placed under oath.

So, it is safe to say that Senator Fruitcake has, at the very least, no grasp of the internet, or the fragile state of the environment, or resource longevity, or perjury. Yes! Like many of his mostly Republican colleagues who are wise enough to keep a much lower profile, the senator is ignorant. Here is a letter written to him by Jesus' General. It was just too good to pass up:

Sen. Ted Stevens
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Stevens,

I heard something very disturbing today. Apparently, newly-former congressman Mark Foley committed some kind of unnatural sexual act with the internets during a vote on the Emergency War Time Supplemental Appropriation Bill. I have no idea how he did it, but given that the internets are simply a bunch of tubes, he had to have had his pants down around his ankles. Think about it. He either sent his little predator on a spelunking mission into the tubes or the tubes spelunked him. Either way, his pants were down.

Now where were Speaker Hastert, Majority Leader Boehner, Ethics Chair Hastings, and RNCC Chair Reynolds when all this was going on. There's no way they missed it. I mean, there's a guy, pants down to his ankles, going to town with the internets' tubes right there on the House floor. They had to see it.

My guess is that they chose to ignore it. Most people wouldn't blame them for that, because most people don't understand the internets tubes. They see a guy boinking them and they shrug it off as a little naughtiness, or they blame the internets for seducing the poor guy.

But Hastert, Boehner, Hastings, and Reynolds should know better. They should know that when a Congressman has his way with the internets, he's going to climax eventually, and that's going to clog up the tubes and prevent the rest of us from getting our email. And it doesn't matter if Foley was uploading. There will still be a lot of vomit and tears clogging up the tubes. At least I think that'd be the case. I can't think of a reason why the internets would react to sex any differently than our wives.

Inasmuch as the House is a wreck right now, I hope you and your colleagues in the Senate will investigate this. We can't have Congressmen plugging up our tubes, even if they are Republican.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot.

Note: Yes, Sen. Stevens is wearing an Incredible Hulk tie. He wore it the last time ANWR came up vote as a warning to those who would dare thwart his will. Rumor has it that after the bill failed, he grew big, turned green, and beat 15 staffers to death with an internets tube.